Script Packet
“It’s Caplan… with a c”
It’s not an affirmation, yet I say it almost every day. Read one 15 second radio spot from a “C” company I love below.
Honorable Mentions
Campbell’s Soup | :15 Radio
“Soup Sailors”
SFX: Waves CRASH, a nautical bell RINGS, sails FLAP in the wind
First Mate: (yelling) “Meatbaaaaaalllll ho!”
Crew: “Hooray!”
Captain: “Lads, we’ve done it, today we’ve found our boo-”
First Mate: “Captain! Spoon!”
SFX: PLUNK! Scraaaaaaape
Crew: AAAAAAAAAA-(muffled)-aaaaaaaaaa
SFX: SLURP! GULP! the spoonful of soupy sailors is eaten.
Captain: “Campbell’s meatball soup. Booty in every can.
Cafe Bustelo | :15 Radio
“Dark Roast, Bright Brick”
MUSIC: El Cuarto de Tula by Buena Vista Social Club
VO: “Cafe Bustelo comes in a bright yellow brick, but…”
MUSIC: The song takes a dark, tense turn
VO: “The coffee inside is darker than night.”
SFX: Dramatic CINEMATIC STRIKES like in movie trailers
VO: (faster) “Darker than a Zack Snyder cut of an Edgar Allen Poe story.”
SFX: CAW! CAW! ravens call quietly in the distance
MUSIC: El Cuarto de Tula fades back in, washing out the scary sounds.
VO: “So don’t be fooled by Cafe Bustel'o’s bright package.”
SFX: BA-BAOOM! another cinematic strike
VO: “It’s deliciously dark.”
Cape Cod Potato Chips | :15 Radio
“When Lightning Struck”
SFX: Thunder! Lightning! Wind Howls! A loud, low-rumbling wave CRASHES
SEA CAPTAIN: “Cape Cod ain’t all sunshine and oysters, you know. One stormy Nor’Easter night, lightning struck the Long Point lighthouse, sending it a-toppling down.”
SFX: CRACK! Boom! CRUNCHING as bricks collapse, it morphs into the satisfying CRUNCH of a thick kettle potato chip.
SEA CAPTAIN: “And Cape Cod Kettle Cooked Potato Chips were born.”
Carhartt | :15 Radio
“Miner Improvements”
SFX: Pickaxes and shovels hitting dirt at a big dig site.
OLDER MAN: “Carhartt didn’t make clothes for starry-eyed gold rush miners. Less than 4% of them ever found so much as an ingot!
SFX: Quiet choo choo of a distant steam engine, then percussive metallic pings! of railroad spikes being driven in.
OLDER MAN: “No. We outfitted the rail workers who made that dream a reality so that today, Brooklyn longboarders and Silverlake tech dads could live it. Carhatt. For Dream Makers past and present.”
Carl’s Jr. | :15 Radio
“Be A One Star Man”
SFX: Light classical music and champagne flutes clinking
VO: “Sure, you could eat at a five star restaurant. All foie gras reductions, balsamic demi-glazes and microgreens.”
SFX: TKSSSS a burger on a grill, then loud, wet CHEWING
VO: “Or, you could eat at the burger joint with one star. Carl’s Jr. Be a one-star kinda guy.”
Canon | :15 Radio
“If you’re gonna shoot, make it a Canon:”
SFX: CAMERA SHUTTERS at a red carpet event
PAPARAZZI : (overlapping) “Miss Smith! / This way! / Look right here! / Over here! Here!”
LOUD PAPARAZZI: “Miss Smith look this way!”
SFX: BOOM! A cartoonish cannon blast straight from Hanna-Barbera cuts through the other camera shutters.
SILENCE… 2… 3…. 4…
LOUD PAPARAZZI: “That’s wonderful Miss Smith, thank you!”
SFX: The CAMERA SHUTTERS resume
PAPARAZZI: (overlapping) “Wait, Miss Smith! / One more look, don’t go! / Come back!”
NARR: “If you’re gonna shoot, make it a Canon.”
Cartoon Network | :15 Radio
“Kafkaesque Cartoons”
MUSIC: Looping jazzy jingle from late 90s Cartoon Network: Bump bum-bum Bump bum-bum Bump bum-bum…
VO: “Did Cartoon Network cartoons scare you as a child?”
SFX: Courage the Cowardly Dog’s iconic SCREEEAAAAAAAMMM!!!
VO: “Traumatize you, even?”
SFX: Grim’s LAUGHTER from the Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy
VO: “Good… now isn’t it time to pass that trauma on down to your kids?”
MEDLEY OF CARTOON VOICES: (Whispering) “Cartoon Cartoons”
Celsius | :15 Radio
“Burn Brighter”
SFX: CRACK! GLUG GLUG
VO: “When you drink Celsius before a workout…”
SFX: FOOTSTEPS and HEAVY BREATHING a jogger on a treadmill
VO: “you burn more calories… WAY more calories”
SFX: FOOTSTEPS speed up dramatically then WHOOSH! a bellowing fire erupts!
VO: “Don’t burn out, burn bright. Drink Celsius.”
SFX: One last, loud, breath.
Champion | :15 Radio
“The Sound of a Champion”
SFX: A series of loud soft THUDS. The sound of people falling or jumping into comfy positions on their couches or beds. Each THUD is followed by a relaxed “aahh.”
VO: “That sound? It’s champions. Not while crossing finish lines or receiving medals, but after a long day, collapsing onto their couch or bed wearing soft, perfectly fuzzy, Champion sweat pants. It’s good to be the champion.”
Cheez It | :15 Radio
“A Wheel Blows in the Wind”
MUSIC: Slow, bittersweet cowboy slide guitar and whistling music
SFX: Wind BLOWS, tumbleweeds BOUNCE by, then a more consistent HEAVY ROLLING SOUND
COWBOY: (slow and sing-songy like afolktale) “A rollin’ wheel’s got nowhere to go, but a Cheez-It’s square, so it can’t roll.
MUSIC: End on a dramatic whistle riff
SFX: Crunch!
Chik Fil A | :15 Radio
“You Can Always Get What You Want.”
MUSIC: A version of the choir part of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by The Rolling Stones
ANGELIC SINGERS: “You can’t always get what you wa-ant. But if you try sometime, at the Chik-Fil-A drive through line,”
MUSIC: Drums, guitar, and organ kick in
ANGELIC SINGERS: “you’ll get what you need!”
MICK JAGGER SOUDING SINGER: “AND what you want!”
Cholula | :15 Radio
“Wood’s not flammable”
INTENSE VO: “I used to think wood was flammable, until I tasted Cholula Hot Sauce.”
SFX: DRIP DRIP GLUG a few drops of sauce coming out of the bottle.
INTENSE VO: “If a wood cap can hold in all this heat, then nothing on Earth will make it burn.”
SFX: CRUNCH
INTENSE VO: (whimpering from the spice) “C-cuz it sure b-burns me. Ch-Cholula, El S-Sabor Perfecto.”
Cinnabon | :15 Radio
“Glaze Craze”
VO: “In today’s slang, ‘glaze’ means ‘praise’ as in “the cinnamon roll was so good, the customer couldn’t help but glaze all over it.” Usually we’re the ones doing the glazing, but hey, we’re happy to glaze with company. Come to Cinnabon and get in on the glaze craze.”
Cinnamon Toast Crunch | :15 Radio
“Mirage”
SFX: High-pitched SHIMMERING as sun rays beat down
Johnathan: “Stranded. Day 12. My own brother’s starting to look delicious, like he’s covered in cinnamon sugar and toasted to perf-”
Brother: “Mom! He’s doing the thing again!”
Mom: (from far away) “Johnathaaaan! Gave some Cinnamon Toast Crunch and calm down.”
Johnathan: “Day 13. Salvation!”
Clash of Clans | :15 Radio
“Entitled to fun!”
MUSIC: Serious, sober Law & Order type legal music
STERN VO: “Have you or a family member made impulsive purchases while playing Clash of Clans? Did those purchases upgrade your village with tricked-out stats? Are your soldiers killing it in raids as a result? Then you’re entitled to a great time! Log in today and lead your clan to glory!”
ARMY: (together) Huzzah!!
CNN | :15 Radio
“CNN-eny”
SFX: Bubbly ocean waves, like a Spongebob episode
NEWS ANCHOR: “People think “CNN” stands for Cable News Network, but we’re actually named for the gentle, beautiful sea anemone, or, CNN for short. If you can’t tell if that’s fake news, you must not be one of our viewers. If you are, tune in tonight.”
Coca-Cola | :15 Radio
“Curly name, straightforward taste”
SFX: Convenience store fridge door opens, clinks as a bottle is chosen
Man: “K-woah-ca K-uh-la. Their name looks so topsy-turvy but… “
SFX: Crack! Fizz…. GULP Iconic sound of a coke
Man: “Aaaah, their taste is so straightforward.”
Clerk: “Hey, you gonna pay for that?”
VO: “Kwoah-ca-Kuhla, curvy name, straightforward taste.”
Cold Stone | :15 Radio
“Served with elbow grease.”
Employee: “Pecans!”
SFX: Scoop of nuts, THUD, CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP
Employee: *grunting with exertion of mixing in the topping*
Customer: “Annnd brownie”
Employee: “Brownie!”
SFX: CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP labored breaths CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP
Customer: And uh, lemme get gummy worms.
Employee: “Gummy Worms!”
SFX / Employee: THUD CHOPCHOP THUD CHOPCHOP breath breath THUD
VO: “At Coldstone, the elbow grease comes free.”
Employee: (panting) order up!
Coors Light | :15 Radio
“Going once, going twice”
AUCTIONEER VO: (speed talking except the italicized words) “Coors pours with more force than a four-door swerves on wet floors at a golf course concourse, of course. Goes down lighter than a featherweight fighter on a diet of cider and spiders in spite of her provider. Drinks smoother than a boomer crooner singing: ‘later or sooner my rumor’s gonna woo-her.’
breath
Whew! I need a beer.”
SFX: CRACK of an opening Coors can
Corn Nuts | :15 Radio
“Conscientious Crunch”
SFX: CRUNCH!
Dude 1: “Man, I always feel conflicted eating Corn Nuts.”
SFX: CRUNCH!
Dude 2: “Really, why?”
SFX: CRUNCH!
Dude 1: “Think about it, they’re corn nuts. It’s messed up.”
Thoughtful silence…
SFX: CRUNCH!
Dude 2: “It is what it is I guess.“
SFX: CRUNCH!
Dude 1: “Guess so.”
Corona | :15 Radio
“Find your beach before your beach finds you.”
SFX: Ambient office sounds, PHONES RING, PRINTERS PRINT, QUIET CHATTER until…
MUSIC: The “Jaws” STRING RIFF morphs into a WAVE washing ashore, temporarily DROWNING OUT the office sounds, but they return.
MUSIC/SFX: The RIFF/WAVE repeats but louder, we hear GULLS and SANDY FOOTSTEPS for a moment too. Then-
MUSIC/SFX: The JAWS THEME starts in quickly, speeding up and building until - CRACK! A Corona opens and we’re in FULL BEACH AMBIANCE
VO: Corona. Find your beach… before your beach finds you.
Costco | :15 Radio
“Costco is for giants”
Scary Giant: Fee! Fie! Fro! -zen pizza? This actually looks big enough to fill me up! Thank goodness, I just ran outta bones to grind into bread.
VO: Costco. Giant proportions, pipsqueak prices.
California Pizza Kitchen | :15 Radio
“California Style”
SURFER NARR: “In other states, something on the menu with “California” in the name means they just throw a slice of avocado on it and charge double. Here at California Pizza Kitchen, we tried that, but it knocked our chakras out of alignment. California Pizza Kitchen. We keep it Cali.”
Crest | :15 Radio
“Get Lost”
SFX: Bird calls, rustling leaves, a bit scary - we’re lost in the woods.
HIKER 1: We’ve been lost 3 days, they must be looking for us by now… Gimme the Crest Toothpaste.
SFX: ZIP! Of a backpack, then aggressive TEETH-BRUSHING sounds
HIKER 2: What are you doing?
HIKER 1: Look!
SFX: SHIIIING! The bright glint of his smile makes a sharp ringing sound
SFX: Loud ENGING CHOP of a search helicopter.
PILOT: *Ksssh!* I’m seeing a signal light about 2 clicks North.
BASE: *Ksssh!* Copy that Sparrow-One. Another Crest Smile?
PILOT: *Ksssh!* Yep. We got ‘em.
Cracker Barrel | :15 Radio
“Break bread, snap crackers”
SFX: CLINKING and CHATTER of a buzzy dinner rush at a Cracker Barrel
OLD, OLD MAN: “You know, back in the day, the townfolk would shoot the breeze over the barrel of crackers, the Cracker Barrel, in the old, you know, the general store.”
OLD, OLD WOMAN: “Is that so? And here we are 100 years later and still got nothing to talk about. Pass the bread.”
VO: “Cracker Barrel. We bring the crackers, but you bring the convo.”
Cracker Jack | :15 Radio
“Take me out to the ballgame”
MUSIC/SFX: Quiet ballgame organ music, ambient crowd noise
VO: (Not singing, quoting lyrics) “Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks, I don’t care if I ever get back? That guy was willing to give up his whole life for Cracker Jacks. And they’re less than two dollars a box… “
MUSIC: Fun organ riff takes us out
Crocs | :15 Radio
“Cold Blooded”
SNARKY NARR: “Everyone’s got something to say about Crocs. (mimicking) They’re ironically ugly! They’re comfy! The little strap in the back for “sport mode” doesn’t actually do anything! (back to snarky self) You know what we have to say in response?
SFX: Low, primordial growl of a crocodile
SNARKY NARR: “Put your foot in that.”
Chuck E. Cheese | :15 Radio
“Childhood is cheesy”
MUSIC: Over-the top dramatically sweet and wholesome soft string music
SFX: Little kids PLAYING at Chuck E Cheese’s, SCREAMING and RUNNING around, very nostalgic.
VO: Childhood is fleeting. These beautiful moments won’t last forever. We know it’s corny, but here at Chuck E Cheese’s we believe that-
KID: (yelling) Mom! Catch my pizza!
SFX: SPLAT! Mom didn’t catch the pizza.
VO: Childhood is meant to be cheesy. Chuck E Cheese’s.
Crown Royal | :15 Radio
“Oh, Canada?”
MUSIC: A slow instrumental of “Oh Canada”
VO: Every bottle of Crown Royal is made in our distillery amongst golden fields of grain right here, nestled on the scenic shores of lake…Winnipeg? Crown Royal. Oh. Canada?
Capri Sun | :15 Radio
“Pouch Potato”
SFX: Birds CHIRP on a lovely sunny day. Then, SLUUUUURP!
DUDE: (Echoey, it’s his internal monologue) Ahhh, another delicious Capri Sun finished, wait, oh no, the others are still in the fridge inside. I don’t wanna leave the sunshine! But I can’t just go juiceless either. Man, it’s tough being a pouch potato.
DUDE: (Outloud using his real voice) Mooooom!
CVS | :15 Radio
“Receipt ASMR”
SFX: The sound of a receipt printer PRINTING, the steady whirring of the machinery in exquisite auditory detail - we hear the sharp crinkle of the receipt paper as it folds over itself on the countertop, the staccato whizzes and buzzes as the printer makes its last few pushes then RIP! the receipt is sharply torn from the machine.
SOFT VO: “A relaxing moment, courtesy of CVS.”
Raisin’ Canes | :15 Radio
“We Got the Sauce”
VO: “At Raisin’ Cane’s, our chicken’s the same as it’s always been. We didn’t hop on the hot chicken trend, we don’t chase fads or do gimmicks, because you don’t need to when you already got the sauce.
SFX: SPLUNK! GLUG GLUG a head dunks into what can only be a huge bucket of Cane’s sauce
VO: (muffled through sauce) “and boy does Canes have the sauce.”
Cheetos | :15 Radio
“Chirp for Cheese”
CHESTER CHEETAH: “Did you know Cheetah’s can’t roar? They actually chirp, like this”
SFX: Cheetah CHIRP CHIRP CHIRPs like a finch (yes, they actually do that)
CHESTER CHEETAH: “Well, I don’t speak for all Cheetahs, but if you hear me making that sound you know it means I’m craving some puffy, crunchy, deliciously cheesy Cheetos. Ooh, that sounds really goo- goo- Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!
Columbia Sportswear | :15 Radio
“When it rains”
SFX: Radio static FUZZING in and out. We hear SONG CLIPS as the dial turns:
MUSIC: “raindrops keep falling on my head! “ (Raindrops keep falling on my head, BJ Thomas)
KSSHH!
“upon us all, a little rain must fall” (The Rain Song, Led Zeplin)
KSSHH!
“I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?” (Have you ever seen the rain? Creedence Clearwater Revival")
KSSHH!
“It’s raining men!” (It’s Raining Men, The Weather Girls)
VO: Columbia Sportswear. Get it for a rainy day.
Cap’n Crunch | :15 Radio
“The Crunch Storm”
SFX: Dark, booming THUNDER morphs into heavy CRUNCHING of Capn’ Crunch
CAP’N CRUNCH: Being a Cap’n during a Crunch storm ain’t easy.
SFX: Deckhands SCREAM orders and commands distantly, the ship CREAKS as wind HOWLS
CAP’N CRUNCH: But it is delicious!
SFX: Loud CRUNCH
DECKHAND: Cap’n we lost the mainsail! What do we do?
CAP’N CRUNCH: Hahah, Ahahaha! (laughs insanely, then)
DECKHAND: Abandon ship!
SFX: CRUNCH / LIGHTNING STRIKE
Chipotle | :15 Radio
“Steal our Sauce”
SFX: Quiet sounds of cooking, CHOP CHOP CHOP of lettuce, SIZZLING of fajitas, the quiet din of a busy kitchen heard from afar.
VO: “Here at Chipotle, we’re committed to honest values. Real ingredients, fresh produce, and high quality meats.
SFX: CLACK CLACK CLACK suddenly we’re with accountants punching numbers into their calculators and PRITING out receipts
VO: Though we audited our Tobasco sauce usage and can only conclude many of our customers don’t share those values. That’s okay, we’ve got enough for the both of us.”
The Honorable Mentions
My alma matter Syracuse sometimes keeps it casual and abbreviates its name down to ‘Cuse. I’d want a C initial too if I didn’t have one.
The TV channel that stayed ON in my household my entire childhood. I picked Jon Stewart as the role model I wanted to come dressed up as for a project in 4th grade.
Previously Circle of Confusion, this was the literary management company that kept me sane and employed through Covid and two industry-wide strikes.
Honestly I’ve just always loved this logo and thought it was so classy, but Sony subsidiary mega film studios tend not to take out :15 radio spots.
The studio and channel that produces Big Brother where I spent my first summer in Los Angeles. I’ve pulled more all nighters on the CBS Radford lot than any college library.
The latest installment in the Civilization video game series which, if you’re not a huge nerd like me, seems like an awful way to spend 10 hours a weekend.